Or how watching a YouTube Channel I would never normally watch made me feel less alone…
Here it is, A Hoarder’s Heart, the YouTube channel of Melanie Renee, commonly known as “Miss Heart!” as for a while she was anonymous; this was during COVID, I believe, so the face mask was forgivable, if not the dark glasses she used to hide her identity. And hide it she did, because she was concerned with the stigma that hoarding has. She is now out and proud on her web site at https://hoardersheart.com/
We have probably all watched those “hoarders are broken” shows on TV. So, you can understand why Melanie decided to remain hidden until she felt confident enough to ‘own’ her disorder. And, inadvertently, YouTube (as well as journaling) was a source of strength for her to face her affliction. A casual acquaintance put me on to her online offerings and I was sceptical; this is totally not the kind of channel I would follow. And yet…
…I seem to be ok with it. It’s not how I would do a video channel, but until I actually start discussing my own journey, who am I to talk? In the meantime, her “perky” message is quite endearing, and I feel supported. Damn her! The big thing she does is NOT discuss it all clinically; she’s never going to mention the DSM-5! And she is definitely not going to castigate hoarders the way some shows – I’m talking to YOU “Hoarders” and “Hoarding: Buried Alive” – delight in doing.
Reality (TV) is broken
These shows are controversial and have been critiqued many times as exploitative and harmful because of their “intervention agenda” aimed at ‘quick fixes’ in TV timeframes. Unfortunately, these discussions are often aimed more at support workers and practitioners than those dealing with HD. Or they are just as exploitative and misrepresentative…
Mom’s “Hoarders” experience
I’ll leave this article here to summarise the bad feelings this kind of thing engenders:
Stop watching “Hoarders”: our lurid reality TV obsession with mental illness has crossed a line
It also suggested, by way of a ‘near miss’ dialogue, what a good programme about HD should include, which is (I guess) where I come in. It also links to these two articles:
Hoarders: Exploiting the Ugly and the Poor
which asks “Where are the Rich and Middle Class hoarders?” When I owned the bank owned a six bedroom house my hoard was a collection; everything away or on display. Only when I was ‘downsized’ did it become problematic. So, David Boles has a point.
How hoarding shows cured my hoarding
where Heather Havrilesky struggles with decluttering her father’s detritus. I know how this feels! It’s harder to face the rejection that removing other people’s stuff brings. I really really really REALLY DON’T need to watch any of these to start my own journey.
The little exposure I have had to this ‘genre’ – mostly from researching this piece – instilled an initial “Well, at least I’m not that bad!” sentiment, but there is the trap. No, I don’t have dead dogs or faeces under piles of crap, but I do have to ‘limbo’ my way through rooms. I’ve watched enough to hear similar logic applied to justifying the keeping of stuff: “That might be useful one day.” or “That IS a project I want to complete some time.” I may not be as bad but I am bad.
How to cease being a Dad
The fear of loss – unsustainable acquisition and aversion to removal; small losses – is an echo of greater loss. Loss. LOSS. In my case, from childhood abuse (loss of innocence) all the way to my messy divorce (loss of family). Not through death, but the choices of others.
They say “You never stop being a parent.” but what if your children decide this is what they want? Or need! So, I used to be a father. That is my most immediate loss. Loss of choice. Loss of control. Loss of the chance to be a carer. Because, although I have ‘rights’, what is the point if I have my ex-wife (and, presumably, my daughters) setting the agenda of not wanting me?
All I was left with was to be a source of money each month. And a six bedroom “family home”, costing 2/3rds of my monthly salary, only kept because the ‘plan’ – for them to live with me half the week, “sharing childcare and minimising disruption”- lasted not even a day after they all moved into their nice new refurbished house. Just before Christmas…
Living 100% with the mother, not my choice or what we had agreed, meant I was then liable for full child support, in addition to a massive mortgage. So, when the roof started leaking and the boiler broke I couldn’t afford to make repairs. Then Covid hit and the housing market slumped. I lived a bare essentials hermitage to keep up with the bills.
When I did eventually sell, at a loss, the trauma of packing was left to a removal company; they were great, moving and arranging storage in a large number of units, because a LOT of what was left was the discarded belongings of my family. They had the luxury of just walking away from it all, letting me know they weren’t coming back in a brief phone call. The day after the move into their new place. It’s no wonder why I really hate “That End Of Year Period” (TEOYP) now; not that I was a fan before…
The need to quickly vacate the family home, when it was sold, meant I had no time (or emotional energy) to do more than ruthlessly cull my family’s discards. Even though I knew – they had confirmed – they didn’t care, I did. Having all that space hid an already problematic hoarding issue, of course, but it wasn’t just my belongings.
It should have been easy to get rid of these things, but I took months (actually, years) to recover. Barnardo’s received a good deal of it, but only the easy things. I paid (and am still paying) for those storage units and, only now, am I beginning to be able to face further reductions.
I’m about to be made redundant and face forced retirement. I cannot (and never really could) afford £200/month to store stuff I’ve not needed or used for five years! Half of which isn’t even mine. This is why my much smaller house is filled with stuff; to reduce my additional storage costs. This is what is sapping my soul as well as my wallet.
So, if you know someone who is suffering under the weight of Hoarding Disorder (HD) you might want to point them at Miss Heart’s videos instead of Reality TV. And give them a hug to let them know you accept them for who they are!
Goat Paths/Tracks/Trails*
*opinions vary as to which is the official version of this phrase. I’m going with ‘path’ here
So, how am I doing? Well, ok(ish). I’ve realised that, for the most part, when I ‘tidy’ I am just clearing the narrow paths I use to get from room to room; not necessarily a bad thing as it enables me to keep living here, but also a “Sisyphean Task” that is never finished. I’m not impacting on the piles of stuff so much as the gaps, which one expert called “goat paths”. It gives the illusion of progress but without the actual progress:
Progress LITE‽ Available at all
good hoards everywhere!!!
Hmmm… this is a concern. I’m pushing that rock up the mountain every day. But, like Sisyphus, I’m actually chuffed with even the tiniest bit of progress. After all, he never let it grind him down and owned the punishment the Gods meted out; possibly even being happy, as proposed in this fun video.
My plan is to sell stuff or give it away. To be realistic about what projects are no longer a good idea. To display and use things as part of a collection. To only pay for new things with the proceeds of selling old things:
Wish me luck as I weave in and out of piles of stuff. And thank you Melanie!